“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”
I’m going to admit it. I’m not always the most empathetic person, but people do come to me often and I try my best. I wish I could say the same as Audrey. Sometimes, I feel as though people I know think it’s THEIR show. And, really, it is. In their life it’s their show, and in my life it’s MY show. But I shouldn’t write off others because I feel their complaints and problems are minor compared to mine (though I’m pretty reserved with my issues). To them, it’s all the shit they’re dealing with and it’s a lot, and who am I to judge? I need to step back and really look at the big picture. I used to be so good at this! Lately I find myself irritable and not really listening 100% of the time. I can be a great and terrible friend at the same time. I think my true friends see me for what I am and see the good in me, not the crappy side.
I LOVE attention, affection, being envied, imitated, whatever. In high school, before I turned to other methods, I drew from other’s flattery. As I got older, it was usually from the opposite sex that I got this attention I craved, and used it to my favor. Not saying I was a harlot, but it was nice to have people buying you drinks because you smiled the right way, had the coolest hair and piercings/tattoos, and were brash.
It’s also probably the way I met the love of my life. We were both waiting by the bar (him for his paycheck, me for drinks for table whatever) and he commented on something with OJ and Pineapple juice probably being delightful. My brash mouth and attitude spat out “yeah, if you have a pussy” and I guess for him it was love at first sight. At the time it wasn’t at the front of my mind, but after one date with him (which took a few weeks and a very cheesy pick up line on his part) I was done for.
Even now, a few years shy of thirty, and I still wish for that praise and affection that… I don’t know that it exists for me at this time. I’m not graceful, a great hostess, or able to be the compassionate listener (I used to be good at this). Now my mind wanders, I cut people off, and often wonder why I don’t just blab all my issues to the world as if I needed sympathy. I know I’m too old to be that punk rock chick taping band flyers to the homeless in Orlando, but at the same time I can’t (and I’ve tried) be the “woman” wearing clothing from the women’s section and heels with statement jewelry. If I had it my way, I’d probably have about 10 facial piercings and 2 full sleeves by now (not considering monetary issues). What type of image does this imply as an army wife? Sure, while Charlie is a JNCO is isn’t a big deal. But once he grows in rank, or if he gets accepted to green-to-gold or OCS I’m pretty sure I’ll need to put on a new “face”. The army is a bit different from civilian life, and I’m adjusting while fighting it.
On a whim, I drove a bit outside of Honolulu tonight to try out long exposure and ended up meeting a new friend while at it. Here are the three images I edited since I arrived home. Tomorrow morning I’m hitting the lagoons with a good friend, then Walmart, then a newborn shoot (can I remind myself after the other scheduled one I’m no longer doing newborns? They are so precious and I love snuggling them, but so hard to get great photos of!), and lastly picking up a gift for a certain person. Plus getting things ready for my baby’s homecoming! Cheesy, yes, he has only been gone a bit more than a month but we missed him and he missed us and that means we are celebrating!
Oh yeah. I still haven’t made a Hibiscus half post. Later (meaning next month, lol)
I saw this on http://otrazhenie.wordpress.com and connected, and wanted to share.